On Survivor Identity

 I think survivor is the perfect word for me and when I think of the term survivor, I think of the different struggles or challenges or barriers, or disappointing experiences one might have faced. And, how I describe my journey as a survivor is using those depressing and traumatic experiences as recycling tools. What did I learn? Um, my strength and weaknesses. Like, how did it help me catapult forward? How can I help others? And how do I recognize, you know, where I need to be strengthened at?

On Disenfranchised Grief

 I think going back- back to the abuser, that's not validated, and they may not understand why. For me, my case was because I have a child with this person, or because I thought I was in love, and maybe I was, I think I was. Or, you have hope, and you care, there's a part of you that care, you think it's gonna work, or it's not gonna happen again- um, so not understanding.

So, when I think about my grief in the beginning it was really hard to let go, because I had that sense of loss of knowing I had to let go of that person, but not knowing how because I had long term in mind, we had a child together, you know that- going back to that hope again. So I was experiencing grief and healing at the same time, it's kind of like a tug of war. But how that changed over time, um, I had to accept that I had to let go. And I- I'm a visual person, so I literally drew a Venn diagram of why did I stay, why did I leave, and then I think in the middle, like, similarities, but one was, why do I not go back?

So part of my healing was letting go, and accepting the grief and it's okay to miss this person. It's okay if I still have love for this person, but it's not healthy. So it changed over time It was up and down because healing isn't linear. So there were many times it was a cycle- I'm okay with letting go- I'm not okay with letting go- I'm gonna try again. Um, but that helped me in my healing because it just- it just made me stronger in recognizing my weaknesses again, and my strengths. And also, picking up on cues of 'this doesn't feel safe', so how to keep myself safe- and that's what really kept me safe. By trusting my instincts and building my self trust of letting go, it's going to be okay if I let go. And it did. It was.

On The Story of Domestic Violence

 I think about just, where I was at before the situation. I think I was just going through a breakup, um, I was getting back into school. And I- and I just think about how I met this person- how fast things went, and totally opposite of like, what I envisioned for myself, you know, get married, you know, have a kid, finish college. But I've learned like, that's not the reality all the time. And that was really hard, accepting rejection, and how things didn't turn out how you hoped it would be.

That can cause a lot of grief and guilt too, and it did for me. And I would beat myself up a lot, you know, feeling shameful, knowing that my family, you know, coming up in a Christian upbringing and in church- like that guilt and shame and judgment. But, I had to learn to love myself through it. And now, where I'm at with that is, you know, I can't continue to beat myself up if everybody else is beating me up or throwing stones, so to speak. So, I've learned just how to love myself and- um, not that I do accomplish things effortlessly, it's just my strength and resiliency. And they're like 'You're just so strong', and you're getting through it.'. And in my mind, I'm like, you just don't know.

Afterwards, once I recognized certain, like, controlling patterns within that abusive relationship and growing up, I'm like, oh, wow, that makes sense of why that just felt so familiar. Why it felt wrong but right at the same time- but it was not right. Um, like saying, 'I only did this to you because I love you', I've heard that too, in my childhood so, I was just able to make certain connections. Not knowing like, wow, that was a form of domestic violence- not knowing that it was. Um, so actually being in that situation just helped me recognize a lot of trauma before that, that connected with that situation.

On Support

 So I actually reached out to support when I was in the situation. One day, when my abuser was at home, I just looked up like 'organizations for abuse' and YWC came up. And at that time, they had the parent as teachers education program, and they would come in the house, and I didn't plan to tell them what was going on- one day it just like, came out, when like, he- he wasn't around. And they were just like, offering me like different resources on how to get out. But, I didn't really take that initial step, because I didn't feel ready, or I was ready but, I was too afraid and didn't know how to take that step on my own. But they did know once I started talking about it more, they did notice like, a shift in, you know, just the atmosphere. Just, how he would talk more when it was supposed to be about, yes, a family, but it was more so about how was baby doing inside and what is going on with baby in the womb. Um, so they just noticed the control factor immediately.

But, when I did reach out to them, they were very helpful. Um, they were very supportive. I'm still like, I would say friends now. Uh, and I do have a coffee date coming up. But um, a lot of times I was silent. I mentioned in the beginning like I was silent, but they picked up on it. And, once I felt comfortable, I started, you know, expressing myself. But I think, when they saw that I was advocating for myself and wanting to do the work, and wanting to do the change, I think they picked up on that. And, not only did I get my needs met, it was like above and beyond. And I just got, you know, what we needed for me and my daughter- like food, the clothes, different events, you know, different social events, different workshops to aid in that healing and not just sitting in the house. Because for a while, I didn't even know either that I was going through postpartum, but I wouldn't go anywhere. When I would leave the house, and had to go- go grocery shopping with my mom, like I would hyperventilate. I'm like hallucinating thinking, you know, he's behind me, and, um, it was really bad. But, all I did was go to appointments. Um, the Healthy Moms van would come get me and my daughter, and I would just have my therapy appointments, and their different, like, vision board workshops.

Um, but it was really hard at first- learning how to use my voice and talk about what I've been through. Because it scared me to talk about what I've been through. It brought up, you know, all these traumatizing feelings where it's literally causing anxiety in that moment. Um, but once I got comfortable and the more I did tell it, the more I got comfortable with it and actually learning how to- how to trust my supports and lean on them. Um, and when I recognize I needed help seeking that support, instead of going through it alone.

On The Healing Journey

Even though I'm still currently going through Family Court and Domestic Violence Court, my heart is happy, it feels free. I don't really have those moments of grief. It's more so of freedom, and celebrating- like letting go of that grief because it was really heavy. Um, but once I accepted letting go of grief, I finally felt freedom.

So it's not as heavy anymore, or at all. Um, it's just a sense of how do I move forward with knowing that I'm not going to go back, I made up my mind. And just like I had to learn you can't rush the healing, and it'll come, and it did. But the healing side is like, very liberating. And for me it flows easily to talk about it, because that is the space where I am at now. But it also helps me recognize how far I've come. I've always said, like, wow, I've never really thought about the day that it would actually happen. And it's- it's really freeing to actually be standing in it, and it seems so far fetched when you're in it. But having that attitude and taking those steps, even though it was very hard to move forward and reach out, but it's exactly those things that need to happen.

I've had a sense of sitting down for so long, metaphorically, sitting on my thoughts and my projects, and always being told how, you know. And I always say, don't touch my art, don't touch my music, or my hair- That Is Mine. [laughs] And that's where I'm at now, um you know, using that as symbolism and I'm just like, ready now. And, now that I've learned how to own my voice, and expressing myself more and being confident in my abilities and my capabilities is like- [sighs] I'm ready.

On Sharing Their Story

How I communicate and share my story with people, it definitely has changed. At first, I was really silent. I didn't know like who to talk to or say, I'm going through this. I would say like, my mom, she picked up on something was going on, and then when she did find out, didn't really know how to deal with it. But I was very selective in who I shared things with. And it was just a feeling that I had.

It feels safe, it doesn't feel safe. With my grandmother, I shared a lot with her. She personally went through domestic violence as I've learned, you know, growing up through stories. So, I felt a sense of connection there. When it came to, like, professionals, um, it took me a while. Once I got out of the situation, I'm like, okay, I know that something's going on. I'm really sad. I'm really depressed, you know. Even suicidal thoughts, feeling, you know, lowly about myself. I'm like, okay, it's time to talk to somebody about it because I want to know how to get through. Um, but for a while I was really silent. Now, I'm in a space where I don't cry as much when I talk about it. And I actually want to share how I got through, the things that I've learned, the things that I've gained and lost. And the things that I lost- how I use that to just basically be tenacious. I was very tenacious and resilient about the situation just by like having a positive outlook.

I'm a critical thinker. So I'm always like, how can I use this situation for the best? Um, and that turned into me starting a mentor program and writing more, um, and doing workshops and teaching about healthy relationships. So, I've been in a space where I'm just now getting a balance, you know, going through school and family court for the past four years, going on five, it's been a toil. Now I'm finally at a space where I can like- okay, I may be stressed here, but I still want to do this project. Is there a way I can balance it? Or can this project wait? And can it not wait? And no, it cannot wait anymore.

So I'm figuring out and lining- aligning my schedule where I'm balancing me time, mommy and daughter time, school, and, you know, pouring into these projects because that's where my healing, you know, also lies- helping others. Like I have a slogan, healing through helping others.

On Words to Self

That just became very emotional because I was like, how old was I? I think I just turned 20 and I'm 25 now and I still feel young at heart.

But I would tell her that you should always trust yourself, um, and believe in yourself, and not doubt yourself. Because usually, when we feel things, you know, just how our bodies are wired, um, it, it didn't feel safe. It didn't feel right. But the kind hearted person that I am and empathetic, you know, I didn't always pick up on those cues. Or, because I'm an optimistic person, I'm thinking the best side of everything.

So I would just tell her that don't doubt your instincts and trust yourself, trust and tap into, you know, your gifted discernment, um, which it saves you. And when you think something's right, most of the time it is right. Yeah. Yeah. And most of the time I did, it was. A lot of times, I don't put it into words, so this will be my practice. I know I've been feeling it and recognizing the new parts, but, I would say the thing that comes to mind is expressing my emotions and being okay with saying no or I don't like something or that's not for me or it's just not going to work instead of trying to make it work.

So claiming my voice. A lot of times, even as a child, I was silent or didn't really express myself because I didn't know how to articulate my emotions or, in that domestic violence situation, you know, you're being spoken over or being told what to do and how to be yourself when that person isn't even you, you know, so, um, so really reclaiming my voice and, um, liking the sound of my voice saying no, or I don't like this. No, thank you.

Um, and also when I think about newness, I think about how I've been more confident and expressing myself. So if I want to wear my hair curly or put on my lipstick or put in my contacts, I want to do that without caring about what- what anybody else says. Um, so just being bold in how I express myself in my creativity and my fashion, um, because art, fashion, songwriting, that's my forte. So, um, being okay with others not being okay, what they don't accept about me, so accepting myself.

On Affirmations

I do have affirmations now, and it was, 'There is more, and you will get through this'. 'There is more' means, just because you're at this space right now in life where you think you're behind, or you didn't take that opportunity, or you missed the opportunity, or sitting with that regret, that doesn't mean that that's it.

Knowing that the situation, specifically domestic violence, um, it defined me. So I had to learn how to not define myself by the situation, you know, as a battered woman. Um, that's just not all that I am. That's experience that happened to me, but that's not who I am, or who I would grow in to be afterwards.

So knowing that there's always something new to learn about myself, there's gonna be more experiences, more positive experiences, and, um, there's always a positive way to think about something. You will get through this. But it was more of a thought process, like, I'm gonna get through this, and I see the light in the end of the tunnel, I don't know how I'm gonna get through, but I believe that I am, and when the opportunity comes up, I'm gonna take it. Oh my goodness. Well, one was crying. Definitely crying. I'm still a crier. I just, there's just a release. [laughs] I am a singer, so singing. Through that traumatic experience, I've wrote, like, at least five songs from it. [laughs]

So it was songwriting, crying, you know, praying, reading the Bible, journaling, just talking out loud, you know, to hear myself. I always looked out the window at nature. And I would, like, you know, see the birds fly, and I'm like, there is more! You know, so I took that side every time I was like thinking about something, a bird would just come along and I'm like, one day I'm going to be free too. I just had that attitude and I just thank God that I got out before it was too late. Um, and it was a struggle, but, um, I did.

On Tools

Other tools now that I'm learning is I don't ignore if something comes up again. I acknowledge it. Most times it's memories, not really feelings, because of just like the strength that's been built and just how far I've come from my journey, but it's more so just if a memory comes up, then processing it.

Where was I at in that moment? Where am I at now? And trying to dissect like where was my thinking then versus now. And how do I recognize those patterns like, in others? Like as I'm starting to date and in myself.

Really now, I'm dealing with like triggers, and, having a radar- but trying not to target everybody [laughing] on that radar- which has been my struggle. And I'm like, Is that what I think it is? And, sometimes it's not, sometimes it is. So having that struggle, which is really hard coming from these situations, because you're starting over, and you know, you're cautious. Um, and sometimes it could be another domestic violence relationship.

On Advocacy

 I've learned that even though I've been through it, and now being on the professional side of it, I have these tools to offer. I have my experience, you know, if that is okay to be shared. Um, but I've learned that even though I lived it, my experience is totally different from what somebody else experienced. So, there still may be a lack of understanding on both ends when sharing, you know, back and forth, occurrences that happen in the situation. So that's what I've learned.

Even though I've- I've been through it, it doesn't mean it's going to be the same feelings or perspective or understanding for the other person that I'm helping. So how do I continue to be open minded about all of that? And how do I tap in to where I was, so I could be more empathetic, so I can offer more and really hear them. But it is so important to have, you know, diversity, because the person who may not have experienced domestic violence, they may have experienced different struggles that could maybe bring up the same feelings and have a different perspective on things.

I was just so traumatic after leaving the situation and going back to my mother's. And I had food, I had the clothes, it felt safe. And when you don't have that, it could be more traumatizing, because you don't have the time to heal from your trauma or process it. You're thinking about, 'Where am I going to get my next meal?' You know, 'Where am I going to sleep tonight?' I haven't experienced that, but I can just imagine- I'm not going to be focusing on my trauma, I'm going to be figuring out, where I'm gonna be staying and eating?

But for me, when I did have that structure, it was a frenzy. But, I did recognize that I needed like, support and I was always a big self advocate for myself. So I reached out to like, Willow and YWCA, and signed myself up for therapy. One of the organizations that is dear to my heart is Healthy Moms that brought me through. So all these organizations, not knowing like, I was this natural at social work then, but I was always- always a self advocate, but I had to understand like everybody isn't, you know, gonna be that for themselves. So that's where I come in with my empathy and my understanding and my skills to be able to help others. Because I honestly don't know how I made it through, it was just literally like I- I- I was flying, so I like sharing my story now and telling about how I got through, and sometimes I'm still thinking about the different methods and tools that I used.

On Support

 Um, instead of being judgmental and saying, 'How could you go back?' or, you know, 'What's wrong with you?' Listening from the survivor's perspective, like the person actually experiencing what's going on. Um, and you have to be open minded. And not everybody will understand, especially if they haven't experienced that. So that's what I learned on my journey, so I kind of looked at it as those who are meant to hear my story and understand it, who's it's for, it's going to be for. And those who it may not be, that's okay too.

Words of Care

 One thing I would say to someone who is healing from abuse is be gentle on yourself. That you are not defined by the abuse that you- you've experienced. That you are so much more outside of that abuse. And, it was an experience that happened to you; it's not who you are. And, you will find who you are outside of the abuse as you continue to work at being your best self. Which, that could look like learning a new skill, processing what you've been through, learning your communication style- the way that you love, the things that you like to do or you don't like to do, and finding your voice again.

From Where I Speak

 I speak as someone who has self doubted herself, but now, know who she is and she's strong and courageous and resilient and tenacious and beautiful and a work in progress.

I speak as someone who learned how to love myself and know my value.

I speak as someone who stands on my boundaries, to keep my heart safe. So I can grow and be the best version of myself.

I speak with someone who is a mother and a future leader, a present leader. I speak as someone who desires to help others learn the skill of resiliency so they can be the best they can be.