On Survivor Identity

 I don't know, I feel like 'survivor' kind of links you to- still to that thing that happened to you, that a lot of society loves to blame you for being involved in, and having happened to you. Yeah, I don't feel like I did anything wrong, even though I thought I did for the longest time, you know.

It's weird, after all the healing and trauma, and shit that I went through, I feel like I'm just like, on the other side. And it's weird to even look back at that time, as a whole, because I don't recognize even who that person was in me. Because I feel like, she was not a bad person by any means, just like, naive to people, and their capabilities, and things like that.

On Disenfranchised Grief

A lot of people like to blame the person, like, 'Well, why didn't they just leave?', I'm like, 'Oh man, you just really don't get it. You really don't get it. And you wouldn't understand'. So, I feel like everybody's, you know, more empathetic towards it now, for sure. It's more of an open, welcoming thing, which is why we have programs like this. But, it's very frustrating, you know, to try to explain to somebody why you were with somebody who was so manipulative and awful to you. And how you can keep going back. Until you go through it, you don't know what it's like, and how hard it is to leave these people because they have you wrapped around, like, every tendril of your heart. It's like you can't exist without these people, so.

Yeah, I've cut a lot of people out of my life- a ton. Because I used to be like, bright, and bubbly, and fun, and knows everybody, and talks to everybody. But now, I still am that person, but only with people that I know and can trust. Otherwise, I just won't give you my time, or my energy so- because it's not worth it.

On Support

But yeah, I think it's really important to, under every circumstance, just be as empathetic as possible, because you really don't understand. If you're- if you're on that side, where you're blaming that person for going back, then you need to stop. And rethink what it is that you're doing, because that's how people end up getting killed. And going back- it's rough. I did it for like eight years, you know, it's rough. And it's like, well, you can't help people. Can't force them to do it, which sucks. But, you hope that eventually they'll figure it out.

My family's been the number one support for me. I don't- I wouldn't have been able to do anything. I probably would have died because I probably would have gone back. But it was them that stopped me and they said, 'You're never going back there ever again'. And I was just like, 'Are you sure?'. They're like, 'Never, ever, ever, ever'. So all my brothers kind of huddled, and my mom, and they took care of me, and did whatever deemed necessary. Because that was the first time in my life where, I really did not want to be alive without him. And it was like a straight three or four months. I would just cry, all day, every day, and feel like it was my fault- I messed up the whole marriage, I messed up the whole relationship.

But it still felt like, you know, he couldn't take accountability, you know, and that's what my mom would always remind me of. And I also have a best friend who, you know, was like my ride or die. And I love her and the way that she eloquently puts things together, makes sense for my brain sometimes. And you're like, 'Why am I thinking that way? You know what, she's right'. Be on the positive side of things or just know- stand in your power, and- because we actually have more power than we think that we do.

On The Story of Domestic Violence

I think that's what helped me the most, was my family was always like, 'It's not your fault. You didn't do this'. And I was always like, 'Are you sure? He was mad because I said this thing', but in reality, I've now learned it's reactive abuse. Yeah, it's like that evening in particular, I was scolded and just called every single name in the book. Every single one of my traits was, you know, brought into a negative, and I was screamed at for 45 minutes. And it was just a constant, constant, constant bantering of him just screaming and yelling. And, every time I tried to walk away, he still had more to say. You can't just walk away and ignore it sometimes, you know. And I said something that I knew was going to hurt him, because he had been hurting me for the last two or three years. And he got so angry. And then, in the end, after he put his hands on me, that was the one thing that he brought up for why he did what he did. So then in turn, it makes him the victim, and me the bad person. Which I'm like, okay, well, you forgot about the whole first hour of what happened.

I was like, well, he would do that sometimes when he got angry, you know. And you'd have to walk around on eggshells, you know. Which is not cool in your own home. I would get stonewalled all the time. It's like, if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing- and it's not even- it could be a big deal, I guess, but let's talk about it. Isn't that what the point of a marriage or a relationship is? To be able to talk things out? But no, he would rather just be angry. I'd have to tiptoe around in my house. Be like, I need some water, but I don't want to go downstairs because he's scary, and his whole presence down there is like, this big scary man. When you thought he would you know, be kind and gentle to you, because he was in the beginning for so long. And then he traps you by getting a home with you, so. But you still love him, in the end, which mind you- 90 percent of the time it's good, but when it's that 10 percent is bad- it's really bad.

The fact is, is that um, a lot of narcissists love choosing women that are really intelligent, and outgoing, and strong, powerful women, because to take that away is so great. It's such a great accomplishment for them. It's nuts. And I should have seen it I guess, because his father was the same way, his brother was the same way. And I was like, dude, this family is nuts. But you want to see the good in people. But now I'm like, 'Uh-uh, hell no'.

But yeah, power moves all the time. And a lot of, um, a lot of projecting. A lot of the things that he would tell me all the time, repeatedly, over and over. I'm like, that doesn't even make any sense. Like, trying to logically think, 'Was there any way that I seem spoiled? I think this is because that's the way you are'. Because his father always paid for all of his stuff, he never- he never knew like, what having bills were, or being drowned in credit card debt, or having student loans to pay on, you know. 'You're spoiled, your family's spoiled'. Like, well then I deserve it, you know.

When you look in your mom's eyes after your face is swollen and you have a black eye, like that's not anything I ever want to see again in my life. That was rough. I can't even imagine the amount of pain that my mom went through seeing that. Sucks. Sometimes I feel bad for what they had to go through, you know, but I know they would do anything for me and they have, you know.

I've got a place to live, and they got me away from that dude. The DA and RPD did not do their job, so he never got charged with anything. But he did have a felony pending, so his job fired him. And then he couldn't refinance the home to buy it. He was trying to take the home. So he just, he left- he up and left. So I was like, that was the best thing that could have possibly happened. Because if he was still here, I don't know that I would feel as comfortable.

On Disenfranchised Grief

I feel like I'm more myself now than I have been in the last four years, you know. But, a better version of me. I'm not quite the same girl. But I'm a better, more improved person. You know, I feel like I was already pretty strong before, but now I definitely am like 10 times over. But those negative thoughts and feelings and all that anxiety and through therapy- which thank you to my therapist, who is excellent, I love her so much, um, she helped me a lot. I think without her, and then without the support of my family, you know, and the positive reinforcements that I had constantly, I think it was just me moving from one small tier to the next. It was like getting back to work, focus on work, and maybe go out somewhere in public, you know, now that you don't have a black eye.

And you know, I don't really think about. him at all anymore. And if I do, it's a small blip and I go, eh, he's a loser. I don't care. It happened and it sucks, but I'm a better person for it. And I think honestly, in the end, he kind of did me a favor, because imagine if I had children with this man and I was stuck with him.

At first, I didn't understand that. Everybody's first response is- when they find out your husband beat the shit out of you, usually the first response is, 'Thank god, you didn't have kids with him'. And I'm like, Yeah, sure, but I still got abused regardless like, I don't even care about that part. Like if I had kids with him, I'd still be a mom and loving them, you know what I mean, like I get where they're going with this. So now I don't have to see him and I'm not tied to this man. But, that was like the last thing I would ever think of, and it kind of, I felt like, kind of took away from what I actually went through. Like, 'What?' Also, in a way, it's kind of strange, because you know, after you're abused like that, you still kind of want them back, you know. You're like, maybe we can fix it. But I do want kids, I did want kids with him Maybe he wouldn't do it again. And that sounds so stupid to somebody who's never been through it.

On The Healing Journey

Yeah. That took a while. That's why I always say, I- I understand why women who don't have a supportive system- if their family doesn't help them to get out of these situations, especially with finances and stuff- it's impossible to get away from these people. It's so hard. If you have finances locked up with them, a house- thank god I had my mom's place to go to. Cause I left that house and went back once just to get my stuff out, two months later. So I left with nothing but the shirt on my back. I was like, screw all my other stuff, I don't care. And then, they're like, 'Where's your driver's license?', I'm like, I don't have it. They're like, 'Well, we're not going back to the house. We'll just issue you a new one, and we'll, you know, change your number, and you're going to get an order of protection'. And I remember doing that. And I was like, I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I'm scared. And they're like, 'This is the right thing to do. I promise you'. Cause you feel bad. You still have love and care for this person, despite what it was that they did to you, no matter how brutal.

On Affirmations

I think the biggest part for me was knowing that- or me trying to convince myself that, it wasn't my fault. You know, cause that was the biggest part was, the abuse- whose fault was it? Who did it and why? And that's what ensued all this- the divorce, the mess, the money, the anxiety, the everything. The trauma.

It's- it's just weird, cause it's like, how do you convince yourself that it's not your fault? You start to believe it after a while. And I think if you have people that you really trust and love- like my therapist, and my mother, and my brothers, and stuff like that, they helped a lot.

On Sharing Their Story

You know, I think this is healing. And it's cool because I do feel like I have a lot of things to say about it. It was a time that I went through that sucked, but I'm better for it.

Some people who say, 'Oh, aren't you married?', and I go, 'No. No, I'm not.' - 'Oh!', kind of like, they want to know what happened, and I just go, 'My ex husband assaulted me'. And they go, 'Oh my God, I'm so sorry'. They don't realize what comes with all of that. You know, I was in and out of the hospital and all of the healing, and the inner work you have to do. Your world is hell for quite a while. And it's like, do you have two hours to talk about what I actually went through, or...

You kind of like, want people to know in some way, because- because otherwise it wouldn't just seem so nonchalant, like it wasn't anything that you went through. When to you, it was like, everything. It was like, a life or death situation. That- that's the thing that sucks is having to explain those things. Especially if you aren't healed, you know. I've always been pretty open about it because I want people to know that he is a piece of shit, so... They deserve to know that he is.

I think in the end, you know, I've- I've done a lot of healing and I think I'm in a really good place in my life where I can at least, even talk about this sort of thing. I'm usually pretty open about it now. I don't care. I'm like, it's- that time has passed. I'm healed. I'm a different person and I'm writing my own story, again. And it feels good to be free of that, you know. Cause you think that your life is over and, it feels like you have nothing left, but that's what I'm doing, is rewriting my story and it feels so awesome.

On Reclaiming

I feel like, looking back at old pictures, you're like- Oh, that girl, she was so confident, and so fun, and so talented, and pretty. She just radiated, you know. I don't know if I'll ever be that person again, but like in a different way.

Also, then I placed a lot of value on relationships with people. But a lot of those relationships were not healthy- all of them. Even if they were an acquaintance. I gave all of myself to people too easily. All of the time. Because I was such a people pleaser, and I just wanted everybody to be happy, all the time, you know. And it took away like, what about you? What about your happiness and what you want? And honestly, I think it prepared me for the role that I'm in now. I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing now, years ago. There was a reason why I wasn't ready.

I hate saying everything happens for a reason, but everything has a purpose, or a season, or a time in your life, where you go- I did that and I was that person, but now I- I'm just- I'm so happy to be where I'm at, you know. Like, it sucks what I went through, and what people go through, but at the same time, I'm glad I can look back and be like, it helped me be a better person.

You know, I think I was already empathetic before, but now I'm even more empathetic. But, without being like too emotionally, like attached to people and things like that, I let people exist and do what they want. And I focus on myself, and what I need to do, and what I want to do. And I don't let people tell me, 'Oh, you need to come out' -'No, I don't want to. I'm sorry. I'm just not- not into it'. You know? And it feels good to say 'no'. I never knew that I needed that.

You know, you look at yourself, 'Ehh, it's fine, you know, I'm good', but you realize that, you know, it's just- I don't know, I guess it's a part of growing up, but I was a huge people pleaser, and I'm not anymore, and it feels so cool.

I still have things that I'm working on, you know, it's not easy all the time, but it's a work in progress.

On Tools

Art was very healing, I think. It helped me gain a little more sense of who I am and who I was. Like taking myself back. I was like, yes, this is who you are. You can create, you can do it. And people like your stuff, you know. It felt so good to get back into it because it had been so long. Because being in a relationship with him, um, I felt like that was taken away- that identity was finally taken away. And that kind of sucked because I convinced myself that it wasn't something that I needed, or wasn't a part of my life. But that's not true. So it feels good to have it back.

Um, there is somebody on Instagram who is really, really awesome, and they say things like, 'You're still an artist, even if you haven't created in the last six months', 'You're still an artist if you haven't created in three years', 'The world needs your art. It doesn't matter like, how good or bad you think it is, the world needs your art'. And I was like, I love that. I think so many people can relate.

Instagram honestly like really helped me heal a lot because I would follow all those things, and it would just show up in my reels, and I was like- if I was feeling so horrible, and starting to blame myself, I made myself a little like, file folder that held all those memes, and those reels, and stuff. And I would look back and go, Okay, you're just- you're abused. You're gaslighting yourself now, you know.

I knew I needed more support when, I guess my family just was like repeating themselves a little bit. And I was like, okay, I need somebody who's more like a deep dive, who I can just tell them- like, I knew this was gonna be tough to have to retell the whole story, and the background of things.

But, I was like, it's something that I have to do in order to heal. Otherwise I'm just going to be stuck in this same place, because I can't always rely on friends and family to be your therapist. They're not- they never will be. They're incapable. Like, they're there for loving, and validating you. But, a licensed therapist is something that was huge for me.

We had like our little meet and greet, uh, over zoom and she's like, 'Well, do you have any questions for me?' I was like, 'Yeah, have you ever been abused?' And she was like, 'Unfortunately I have'. I was like, okay. Cause, I didn't want a therapist who was just going to not understand what it was like. So, I'm glad I asked that, because I knew I needed to talk to somebody.

And she was able to make me have like, a ton of light bulbs go off, every time I had a session with her. And every time I would go in, I'm like, Oh, I don't feel like it, I don't wanna. But then I would start talking to her, and then after an hour goes by, I'm like, I just had the best session ever, she's great. She validates me. She makes me feel strong. Like, I held my head up high- a little higher and yeah, I think it's super important.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who is an artist, is creative, smart, goofy, tall, and is a bartender, I guess you could say.

Words of Care

Okay, one thing I would say to somebody who's healing from abuse is, know that it's not your fault and there is life after the abuse. There's totally life after it. You can do it.