On Survivor Identity

 Survivor, to me, is a tough one. Well, first, I think surviving is getting past the situation, um, moving forward, getting away from it. But I also think it's a healing process that you go through afterwards. That you can sort of talk about what happened, you can move your life forward, and not let it hold you back. I think that's where, you know, that's when you turn into a survivor, is when you can really start to do the things that you want to do, and not have that past hanging over you, or questioning yourself in that way.

I didn't until recently, because I didn't realize, That my situation fell under the DV umbrella, basically, but now, you know, reflecting on it and knowing more about what domestic violence was, I would say, yes, I do identify as a survivor.

On The Healing Journey

 Grief is interesting because it comes and goes in waves. And then, you know, time absolutely makes things better. But, you also run into situations that you probably don't even realize that are triggering, you know, and it brings it back up and then you're like, 'Wow, I thought I was past this' and- and you're not. So then you kind of feel set back, kind of get down on yourself like, 'Well, why haven't I moved on?' But if you think about it and you know that this is going to happen, then you can tell yourself, you know, 'This is just triggering, you're going to move past it, it doesn't mean it's going to set you back again'. And, again, just giving yourself that grace. And, yes, time heals slowly- unfortunately, but it does make a difference. Especially if, in between, you're building yourself up and telling yourself that you deserve better and that you can do better, and that you're thriving, you know- just keeping that positivity is important.

I don't think it's ever linear. And, they talk about the stages of grief, and I don't think that's really an accurate depiction, because you can feel more than one feeling at a time. Um, and it can come and go, and come back. So, yeah, no, I- I definitely think it's not- not straightforward- linear thing that you're, 'Oh, well, I'll be past it in five years'. -No.

On Disenfranchised Grief

My abuser was my child's father, and we have shared custody. So there were still many, many years of having to communicate, uh, with him, even though, you know, I would have preferred not to. It's just constantly re- triggering and though it wasn't physical anymore, the verbal was there, and the- the put down and the bullying. And then I would seek support from friends and family, and they're like, 'Well, you're not with them anymore, so just don't let it get to you'. And that's really hard to do when you're- it's an emotion, right? And your brain reacts emotionally before you can even think through things cognitively. And if you don't have the time, or you're with somebody and you're just reacting, it's hard to like, set it aside. And- and people don't always get that because you're not in that situation in that moment, but you are, you know.

It's really hard to have your heart and soul not understand that the person that they love so much, and treats you so poorly, and is just tearing you down constantly. That was, oh my God, that was the hardest part of it all. Because you don't want to paint a poor picture for your child, for their other parent that they love, but you're constantly being, it's just re- abuse, re- abuse. Um, telling you, you're not worthy, you're not a good enough parent, all these things, and you can't share it with your child. Until they see it on their own, and then- then you just have to be there for them. And I had to- I couldn't say I told you so, or anything like that, I just, you know, "No, it's not right what they're doing and you deserve better', and just be the support. It's terrible that she had to see it because she hadn't- she had been pretty well protected from it. But once she saw it, she made the decision not to go back. And I haven't had to have any communication since. So it also took till she was a teenager- could see it for herself. And that was hard. Having gone through that, that healed me as well. And again, that's, what, 16, 17, 18 years later. Um, and it took a couple years of her being very angry, and taking it out on me, because she couldn't take it out on her dad. But I had to suck it up and take it, until she was ready to really see why she was upset. It's just, it's crazy. It impacts every aspect of your life. And then, those you care about at the same time. And it's just, it weaves into everything. That's hard, too, because you think you've moved past it, and like, oh, here comes the next thing. But you can move on, and it gets easier, and it gets better. Being able to support other people through it is also healing.

On Sharing Their Story

Yeah, uh, time has definitely changed how I talk about it. I can talk about it more comfortably, with less emotion. I can talk about it more with a understanding of what went on, both for the abuser and me. You know, kind of understanding why things happened the way they did. Whereas, originally, it was just all raw emotions that, you know, kind of color how you talk about it. I also can share my experience now in a, you know, 'This might help you, be aware' and just sort of knowing, now that I've learned more about domestic violence. I can kind of put terms to what I experience, and that's healing as well. Just knowing that I wasn't alone and that wasn't an unusual experience.

On Affirmations

I- I trust that I have a big heart, and that I'm a kind person. And that I work hard and, you know, I suffer from depression and anxiety, so there's times where I feel really low, and I can't go out and I can't do different things, and I feel really guilty. Like, I'm not doing things- enjoying the world. But now, I'm to the point where I can tell myself it's going to be a couple of days and it's fine. If you need to stay home, if you need to cancel something that you agreed to do, then you need to do it and then you need to move on and it's okay because you're taking care of yourself and that's what matters. And- and let go of all those things, guilt- the guilt in between, that sometimes you're low and you need to take care of yourself, and sometimes you're not low and you're great and you can be there for other people. But also know that it goes back and forth, and it's not, again, not another linear pattern. And that when- you need to give yourself grace, when you do experience the ups and downs.

Keep trying. I think that's one that I- it took a while, but I'm like, even if you do one little thing. So if all I did one day was get up and put regular clothes on and then sat on my couch and didn't leave, I at least did that. And, you know, see that as something that you accomplished. So seeing all the little accomplishments, and then they add up to bigger ones. I think that was hard. Growing up, I was always raised- you got to work hard, you got to work hard, and you can't get anywhere unless you do big things. But you can't just jump to a big thing. It doesn't work like that. And so, you know, it took me a really long time, but once I started telling my little things, I started to notice that they were achieving big things. So that- that's another big thing that I learned- have reclaimed.

I think social media is hard too, because I- I'm 40 and I still have an apartment. I'm single. And I'm like, well, other people, they went to college and then, they got married, then they had kids, you know they have their house. And I would get down on myself that I didn't follow that path. I had my daughter at 20 and had to stop going to school and didn't finish till almost 16 years later. But now, I'm like, you know what, that was my path and I had so much to overcome that any other person in my shoes would have had to do the same thing. It would have taken just as long and that's okay. And I'm stronger because of it, and I'm happy with where I am and where I'm headed. And so I've learned to let that go.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who is a mother. I speak as someone who is a- has been a teacher. Um, I speak as someone who is an advocate. And I speak as someone who believes in resources, and support, and transparency, and sharing with each other so that we can support each other.

Words of Care

One thing I would tell someone who is healing from abuse is to give yourself grace. That it's an up and down process, some days are better than others. Often times, you're going to react, and then you're going to feel guilty about how you reacted. But it's- it's part of what you've experienced. It's the trauma.

And, again, just grace. Give yourself grace. That's huge. The focus is always, 'Oh you gotta do this, you gotta do that, and- and you gotta take care of this, and you gotta take care of that, or your people', but you can't do a whole lot if you're not taking care of yourself and- and the brain is, it's interesting because like from a scientific perspective, your brain is wired differently because of trauma. And so you're going to then react differently because of trauma and- and it's not your fault, you know. Yes, it's something you have to overcome, it's something you have to work towards, it's something you have to practice, and get better, and try to overcome. But it's- it's not your fault. And you deserve grace, and time and, you know, just forgiveness of yourself, because it's hard. It's just really hard. Life is hard, and it- there's no one right answer. And that's really hard to know when you're young and people are telling you're doing things wrong.

On Support

Yeah, there's definitely been times where I just fall apart and just react, and have done stupid- and gotten myself in a deeper hole, because of how I reacted. And well, no, I'm acting this way because it's a nightmare and my life's a mess and I need help. So I- I just wish more people understood that and like, 'Okay, you're flipping out. You may be taking it out on me, but I'm still here for you because I know that deep down, this isn't about me. It's about you, and that you need something'. You know, I think that's where this transparency- sharing with each other is so important because, you're gonna make a mistake. You're gonna. And you're gonna have to fix it, and it sucks, but it's not the end of the world. It's not. When you're young, it feels like the end of the world, but it's not. And I've been in situations where I didn't know if I could put food on the table, if I could give my kids clothes that weren't- I don't know, go to school and have them be picked on, and just all sorts of things, and you know what? It passed. It passed. It sucked when I was in it, but it passed. So, hopefully somebody in your life can hear it and sort through the messy and say, 'This is what I'm hearing. These are some options'. And if they have the capacity to hear it, then great. If they don't, just keep being there for them.

I think that's why, like, the services that Willow offers is so amazing because they're not- oh, you have to do this, you have to do that. No, we're just- we're just gonna give you things that you need because you don't need to be worrying about that on top of everything else. You can't heal if you can't put a roof over your head, or put food on the table. It just- it's- it piles on.

On Tools

So I lost my mom when I was 18, and she was my whole world. So I- I didn't really care about life at the time. And so that's how I ended up with somebody that took advantage. And, for a while I didn't care because what was there to live for? But then, um, then I found out I was pregnant and I was having a girl. And I did not, from deep in my soul, want her to ever have to experience what I was experiencing. That was when I said, 'There's gotta be something better- there has to be'. So that's when I started to do a little research, um.

People had said, I think you might be suffering from depression and anxiety. And, it wasn't talked about when I was growing up, but I definitely had it when I was in younger years. I didn't- I didn't believe it, like, for a while, but then again, when I had somebody else to care for, then I was like, I need to take care of me, um, because I also saw it impacting her, particularly anxiety. I saw her having, at a very young age, separation anxiety, and I found out that separation anxiety in children is often caused by anxiety in the parent. And that's when I knew, like, I have to take care of me, and I sought out a therapist. That was life changing. And I put in five plus years of work trying to work through that. I did a lot of 'fake it till you make it' um, which sounds silly, but it- it does help, especially when you're not the only one impacted. I had to make sure that my daughter couldn't see the anxiety and turmoil in me so that I could just be there for her.

And, it made a world of difference. Her anxiety lessened, and mine lessened. And it took time, but people have said, here's help, here's resources. But I had to feel it on the inside before I could really... but I knew where to go, because I had heard it, which is important. I think, that's one thing that people should share- resources and information. Even if somebody doesn't take advantage of it, those little nuggets will stay and they'll remember when they're ready. And then, hopefully, they'll get the help they need.